A whirlwind. That is the best explanation to describe my emotions over the last 7 days. For the past several months I have been eager and full of anticipation about our upcoming journey. As we finished up buying our last-minute must-haves, began to say our goodbyes and began to pack, that’s when I felt it.
It started off as a small flicker. A small catch of my breath when asked how I was feeling. A hint of fear. But it ended just as quickly as it began. I answered “Great! We are excited and ready to leave.” with a smile. As the days continued to pass the flicker started to grow. It morphed into a thick dry lump in my throat that lasted a few seconds. I would stifle the brief pause by taking a swig of water or clearing my throat then managed a smile and a hesitant “We are excited”. And as the days grew closer, it grew as well. On one of the many restless nights I had before departure, I saw him. I woke up to find a black cloud hovering over my bed. It was here.
Fear.
From that point on when I spoke about the trip a black claw would grip onto my trachea, suffocating me and my words. Tears pooled and threatened to escape the corner of my eyes. I swallowed hard and held onto my cross necklace for strength. I would repeat Philippians 4:6-7 over and over, forcing down the emotions every time. I even managed to smile while doing it.
As you can tell vulnerability is not my strong suit, likely because of how I was raised. For some context, I grew up surrounded by strong Hispanic women. Women who have overcome many difficult obstacles in their lives and stressed the importance of being self-sufficient and strong. For them that meant showing your emotions made you an easy target. It made you seem weak and sensitive which allowed your enemies too much power over you. To have a fighting chance in this world your skin had to be thick, and tears were nonexistent while in public. I became an expert at this. I had mastered the smile and unbothered façade. I tucked away my anxiety, uncertainty, fear, and anger into a neatly wrapped box buried deep inside of me. I kept my circle small and only allowed a few to see the most vulnerable parts of me.
But I’m getting off-topic. I could speak for hours about the importance of vulnerability for your spiritual walk with Christ and I plan to in a separate blog post so be on the lookout!
Eventually, I tried to rationalize my fears. What was I so afraid of?
Lo and behold, it was fear of the unknown. Josh and I were walking away from the comforts of home. We were leaving behind financial stability, health insurance, stable housing, our friends and our family. We were venturing into a foreign land. A third-world country filled with poverty, disease, government instability, and a complex language barrier.
Then the feelings of inadequacy started to set in. We are two “green” Family Medicine PAs who have only been out of school a little over a year. How could we possibly be of any help? We have had little to no experience with tropical medicine and have not been on the inpatient side of medicine in over a year. We spent hours reading through the 500-page HBB hospital manual which covers common diseases and available treatment options in Togo. We were hopelessly unprepared.
How would we make a difference here?
The weight of our decision became heavier as the day to leave came near. My yoke was becoming too much to bear. So, I prayed. I prayed for God to provide me the courage to overcome my fears. I prayed for peace and comfort that only Christ could provide. I prayed for wisdom for the time when my medical knowledge was insufficient. I prayed for the protection of future patients when their diagnosis was unclear. Finally, I prayed for forgiveness because there was a small part of me that doubted His providence.
The LORD passed before him and proclaimed, “The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation.”
Exodus 34:6-7 (ESV)
Guess what? It’s okay to have doubts! Especially when the Lord is asking you to take a large leap of faith in His name. Throughout the Bible, God provided reassurance to His people countless times.
Recently, I started the daunting task of reading the Bible in 365 days. So, on the morning of our flight while reading Numbers the Holy Spirit spoke to me. The Holy Spirit reminded me of the story of Moses, a prophet of the Lord who would help deliver the Israelites out of Egypt. But, when the Lord called Moses into his service, Moses was frightened and doubted in his own ability to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
But Moses said to God, o“Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?”
Exodus 3:11 (ESV)
Instead of scolding Moses for his disbelief the Lord promised Moses he would be with him every step of the way.
He said, p“But I will be with you, and this shall be the sign for you, that I have sent you: when you have brought the people out of Egypt, qyou shall serve God on this mountain.”
Exodus 3:12 (ESV)
But, I will be with you. In that moment a wave of peace rushed over me, and the dark cloud that had its hooks deep inside of me faded away. I embraced His promise as we made our journey into the unknown.
Our total travel time was roughly 27 hours. It was a rough 27 hours. Like many of you who have traveled abroad nothing ever really goes according to plan. Right away, we had 2 flight delays and TSA issues. Then as we prepared to board our first flight, the airline asked us to check in our carry-on bags due to lack of storage and informed us we would receive them at our final destination. No big deal, right? Wrong. Our antimalarial medication was in those very bags! I was a nervous wreck thinking these bags could be lost in transit, and there was nothing we could do about it now. So, we prayed and gave it to the Lord. Several hours later, we landed in Togo! We had a small hiccup with Josh’s visa which required multiple Togolese workers to solve but by God’s grace everything worked out. Then after a “short” 3-hour car ride we finally made it to the compound!
Thank you to everyone who has been lifting us up in prayer. Please continue to pray for our patients and their families; That their hearts would be opened to accepting Christ during their stay at Hospital Baptiste Biblique. Stay tuned for our next post about our first week in Togo!
